Back to the Beginning

So it looks like my condition is gonna stick around for the foreseeable future. Not that I was expecting any crazy miracles, but whatever. My levels went down, but are holding in the same range (30-upper 60's). They havent gone out of that area for 2 1/2 months. So my doctor decided to try me on taking the medication every other day. So far on the 2 days I wasnt taking the pills I had headache and nausea/chill withdrawal symptoms (Thanksgiving was the first day in 7 months I didnt take ANY medication). It sucked. That may also mean I've gotten slightly/alot worse (the chills). Only the next CBC test on Wednesday will show whats up. My prediction is not much new.

I started looking at medical bracelets yesterday, which was weird. Once I put one of those things on it's almost signifying to myself that that's it. Done. No hope of remission etc.

In other news my tap classes are going great. I love it, and thankfully I'm not the worst in class. In fact I'm semi-decent for someone with no experience. Also I was right, for the most part it's distracted me from occupying my entire brain with any illness related paranoia.

29

Today is my birthday. I spent it pretty low key, since I had told everyone I was not feeling so celebratory this year. I'm grateful to not be in a hospital, infusion, or the like- but still-when and if I ever get better I'll have a big party then. Also, the thought of organizing anything with alot of people just makes me anxious. Funnily last year I had a giant house party. How things change in a year!

I signed up for Tap Dancing class this week. I've always wanted to try it since I love old musicals, vaudeville from the 20s, 30s etc etc....also it's pretty "low impact." I doubt I'd get bruises from it :p I orginally wanted to try martial arts but that's going to have to wait. The main reason I'm trying tap now is because I need a distraction. My routine is just work, what to eat, hospital/ITP, repeat. I'll be happy to have a routine that involves 234 tap tap tap.

Recently

Ah. Here I am at North Park again. Don't let the smile fool you, I've visted it twice in the past month to calm myself down or "reflect"...yeah it's corny but I need it. Things have been busy, primarily as I was doing the centerpieces for a co-worker's wedding. That and all the Halloween activity has tired me out.

So...still trekking along with these below average levels. Next week it'll be two months since my Rituxan...and nothing. Still on the same amount of meds so at least there's some routine. I've begun feeling a little bummed out again because I'm not sure what else to do next from a personal standpoint. I may try and revise my diet again since I've been slacking, and I may also try and do more meditation and anxiety reducing exercises since the Holidays are coming up. Noticing before a panic attack sets in is something I've gotten a bit better at since I was first diagnosed, and I've reduced the number of episodes I have. I'll have to pay more visits to the forest.

I'm going to start brainstorming for winter activities (low-impact/low stress) that I can look forward to. I think a problem I'm starting to have, and a reason I feel myself regressing emotionally, is that every day all I have on my brain is this illness and how I'm feeling in regards to it. If I had something I could distract myself with maybe the winter won't be so bad.